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[17 Dec 2006|01:45am] |
So I'm leaving for my intership soon. It seems really crazy to me that in a few weeks while all of my friends are still here doing the class thing i'll be getting up everyday doing the 8:30 to 5:15 thing. (weird times i know) It's just going to ve so weird, no more afternoon naps, no more sleeping in or randome hours off in the middle of the day. It's going to be the real world and it's going to suck. Visit me lots, i'm going to need something to dull the pain
Anyway, besides that i'll be spending all break packing at school and moving out, then packing at home and moving to KY. *tear* I'm gonna miss the crazyness of college, theres nothing like it
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| yeah |
[16 Oct 2006|12:54am] |
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 sad |
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Sometimes things are going to perfect you think your in a movie...........I would give anything to have that feeling right now. There is so much going on i don't know where to start dealing with things, and there is no one to turn to, no one to talk to, and no one to blame but me. I wish i could just crawl into a dark corner till january, at least then i can escape my problems, at least for a while.
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| SUNSHINE!!!! :) |
[05 Apr 2006|05:39pm] |
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mood |
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 happy but missing my boy |
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SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!! YEAY! So maybe it was a little windy out, and maybe a little cold, but hey at least there was sun. That makes me way happy cause it means spring is here, and that means summer is on its way. This is by far the best time of the year. I hope all of you got a chance to enjoy today like i did. I even sat by the river and watched the ducks. Things I've missed, it's like the world is opening it'self up again, and I'm fianly ready to be part of it
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[25 Mar 2006|11:13am] |
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Giving up one people you really care about is one of the hardest things to do. But I've come to that point in my life that I just can't take it anymore. I can't always be the one making the effort, feeling guilty for not calling, talking, writing whatever. I never thought that I would feel this way, and maybe down the road I will regret it and take it back, but right now this is how i feel. I done trying to make it right, I'm done trying to fix it all. I'm here if you want me, I'll always be here, but for now I just have to step back and let you go.
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[24 Mar 2006|01:01am] |
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mood |
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Lately I've found myself feeling very empty inside. It's like I'm missing something but I don't know what it is that I'm missing. I have some ideas, but i don't know where to take them. I go threw my day doing just that, going threw it, not living it. I'm tired of just going threw the motions, I want the emotions back. I just wish I knew what steps to take to make it better. Maybe it's just the weather, maybe I just need some time at home alone to relax, or maybe I'm just fucked up and can never be really happy. And it's times like this I wonder why I bother trying to be happy anymore. Some things just don't happen, maybe this is one of them
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| Stressed |
[20 Jan 2006|12:37am] |
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So, second week of school, you think that they would ease us into the homework stuff cause they eased us into the class stuff with all the syllabus stuff but no, never the case. Not only is there the reading, that always is long and boring and i hate doing, i have CAPA that i totaly forgot about untill like 8 hours before it was due. I got most of them done, but not all. Although good thing was our prof extended the due date cause so many people didn't finish. But here is it 5 hours from when it's due and i still can't get them all. Hopefuly we will get to dropp one of them like the last 2 times i've have CAPA and it wount matter. Then theres homework for my 322 class, all about paper and paperboard. The homework wasn't hard, pick a product package that is made out of paper or paper based, but it had to be a unique package, and the questions you have to answer u have to look up the info from the book. All just so time consuming and crappy. And then to top it off next week is the internship fair so this week has been lots of meetins about how to write the perfect resume, nail you interviews ect. So today, my day off I spent trying to do my capa (HA) think of a product that comes in a cool paper based container and do my resume. Then tonight Pat and I went to the career fair just to look around see what to exspect next week and get our names into some companies. It was a great experiance, and i had my resume done in time, but it was just more time with more crap. I know I'm complaining, but i'm just so stressed, and so tired. And normaly I get to talk to kyle at night and that always helps. He just makes me so happy, puts me in a good mood, takes the stress away idk just seems to make everything ok. But today he had been out (totaly cool so was I) and was tired by the time he and i got home, so he sent me a text saying he was just going to go to sleep. Look, i get he gets up early and works hard but why couldn't he just call and say hey baby i'm really tired and just want to go to sleep but i wanted to tell you good night first. I understand he needs sleep i just don't get why he can't call me instead of text, he used to call all the time, and now we hardly ever talk. If it weren't for text messageing we wouldn't talk. Yeah he calls me in the morning, but i'm either sleepy or on my way to class, and he is driving and alot of the time just upset at other drivers. It's just that we used to talk for hours, and now i feel like i never hear from him. AAAAHhhhhhhh, it's stupid, I know i'm just stressed and we are both busy, but what if he gets used to this and we just stop talking? He just makes me so happy, he is everything i ever wanted, everything i ever looked for, and that's only after 6 weeks. THink about how amazing it could be, I don't want to lose him. Oh and to top that off he told me he almost pushed me away once and probably would, or just hurt me. What does that mean? I feel like I'm not making him happy, but he says he is. I love him, i really do. It's so strong and intense and wonderful i don't want to lose him. I'm just stressed, and I know that, that's why i'm not starting something about this with him, cause i would regret it, cause i know it's nothing. I just can't wait for this week to be over. I just want it to be the weekend already so i can catch up on my sleep and get all my homework done and hopefuly talk to kyle. Just have to make it till 4, by then i'll be done with class, have my homework posted and hopefuly destress. On a good note i got my resume to some cool places, like Kraft and Honda of Ohio. How cool would that be, both kyle and i working for honda? And it's only about 3.5 hours from here, and with kyle driving that would be less. So if i have to leave the state that isn't so bad, but in state is still top. Just can't be that far from everyone, i know me and i know i will hate all 6 months if i can't come home on a weekend or people can't come see me easily. Alright enough of this, really I'm not such an upset person, just stressed, so I'm going to go get some sleep and wake up refreshed and ready to go. No tears tomorrow, no matter what, that's my goal.
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[12 Jan 2006|01:43am] |
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So...........sometimes lj can get u in to trouble, but for the most part it's good. Kinda like school. I hate that i'm so far away from Kyle (yeah i know its only an hour) and i can't see him every night. I hate how it makes me want to cry when I'm on the phone with him, and i did cry for the first two days. And i hate how saying good bye to him tears my heart up, but that's all part of falling in love. The pain gets easier, the teats dry, and life goes on. That makes me not liek school, but when i forget about it, or when it's not bugging me so much........it's great. I have fun at my house. Moe is getting so big, but oh so cute. And jenna and i are becomming closer friends all the time, and even G and i are bonding more. Classes arn't that bad, and i have 3 of them with my friend pat. he's cool, always got some story, or we always have something we can talk about major wise. It's nice, makes class go by fast. And i'm home by 3! so fucking amaizing. Beats last semester with my 8 to 5 classes. IDK, school is just nice. I fit well, i enjoy it, but i know for a fact i wouldn't be here without my parents pushing, I'm not so sure if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway. I get to see Kyle tomorrow!! Going to wb for the night, his cousin and friend are leaving so i'm going to get to say bye to them and all. And i'm expected for dinner, that's kinda odd. Never had dinner at their house before. but i am allowed to let myself in, so i might as well come for dinner. Then I go back up to state for a little sleep and classes then Kyle will be comming up for the weekend after work!!!!!! Makes me way happy. I'll be able to sleep well again, lol. Pat (from above) is haveing a "excutive sluts and ceo pros" or something like that party on firday. Dressy atire, like at an office. It should be fun, small but fun. he is a frat guy, they can't have just regular partys. But he is so unfrat, so we can be friends. lol. Anyway, i haven't told kyle about it yet cause i just found out today that his cousin was leaving and if they were then we wouldn't have gone (it's a invite only thingc cause his apartment is small) and when he and i got to talk it wasn't for very long to explain it. So i'll have to remember to do that tomorrow. I hope he thinks it sounds fun, guess we shall see.
But yeah, classes are going well, i'm keeping busy cause then i can't think about things that make me sad. I ran a ton of erronds tuesday, and some more today along with a meeting and getting crafty at the union to keep busy. And tomorrow with no classes i think i'm going to rearrange my room. That will keep me busy, move stuff then clean, and after that some homework till it's time to leave for kyles. Oh and i'm taking jenna and greg to class, so that helps.
It's crazy. I'm so much happier right now in my life; even with missing kyle; than i ever was with kurt. Probably since i've come up to state. It's really a great thing. Happy at school happy at home, getting to see my boyfriend all the time at home, and all weekend at school. Great room mates, a pretty cool house even with the puppies and thier mess, just so much fun. I really don't want to leave it for 6 months, but it's nice to knwo it will all be waiting for me when i come back. And hey, maybe i'll get and internship at home, and then at least i could see kyle all the time again and that would totaly keep me in a very happy very amaIng mood for 6 months. ALright, i guess this should be enough rambling for now. Can you guess I'm in love? Can you guess I'm so happy with him that I still don't believe it's true, still haveing a hard time to accept that he is really dating me? I need help, cause i've fallen, and i'm deffinatly hooked for good.
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[29 Dec 2005|01:28pm] |
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depressed |
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Tell me to stop reading things that I just shpuldn't read. Stop reading things that I know will make me upset. he has never once done anything for me to nit trust him, yet i just can't let myself trust Kyle and I don't know why. As a friend i would have trusted him with my life, but him as my boyfriend i can't trust him the same. Is it still cause of Kurt? All these months later am i still letting him get the best of me? Cause if that is the case then i think i want to curl up into a little ball somewhere and die. Maybe I'm not ready for this, maybe it's to soon. but it doesn't feel to soon. Everything was great everything was going amazingly untill two days ago. Then she (his ex) called him, and now idk. I mean he says they are olny firends, he says he doesn't want her back and that she isn't trying to get him back, but please guys can never tell when a girl is after them so what does he know. and maybe they are just friends, and he probably was telling the truth when he said that he never loved her, but why doesn't that make me feel better. Instead that just makes me wonder ing he never told her he loved her, or he told her and realized after the fact that it wasn't true, cause there is a differece. I was at his house last night, and we were laying on his bed listening to a cd he got for x-mas and he was sleeping. ok that's fine, cause he gets up at 7 every morning, and it was like 11, but he told me mulitple times that he used to stay up till 4 in the morning with her for months at a time, and here he is asleep at 11 with me. It wouldn't bother me if i didn't know he could stay up late for her. And it isn't like he can see me every day, cause i'm going back to school soon so wouldn't u think he would make the most of the time we have together? I have a myspace, i got it cause it's like facebook for people who don't have facebook, (anyone who has a mayspace u should friend me i have like 2 firends) but i got it for him. and really it was a waste, cause i don't remember to go on it alot, and he doesn't send me messages on it alot or anthing, but i guess i'm glad i have it, cause now i can keep tabs on him. She posts things to him on there, and he responds. Like she wants to hang out with him, and he just tells he its cool and to text him when he is at work and they can set something up. And here I was thinking that he only took time out of his life to tal to me while he was at work, guess i was wrong on that one. I think i would be ok if it were anyone but her, anyone but his ex, I just don't like ti. She treated him like crap, but still she talks to her, still they are friends. that would be like me still being friends with kurt, he wouldn't be ok with that, so why should i be ok with this???? I know for a fact he didn't hang out with her that day cuase he ended up going to a pistons game, but what happens when i'm not here? what will happen when i go back to school?? and my worst fear, what will happen when i'm gone for 6 months on an interneship. I don't know if i could take the not knowing, if i can take worring about nothing. Cause that's what it is, nothing, i have nothing to worry about, he has never once lied to me that i know of, iun the 4 years that i have known he he has been nothing but honest and sweet and kind and loving and all around one of the the nicest persons i have ever know. So why am so jelouse? Why am i so worried? Why can't i just go back to being happy? MAybe this was all to much to fast, but it didn't feel like that. Why am i questioning myself now? I'm going to end up pushing him away if i ccan't get past this, and that really isn't what i want. Why can't i just be happy? Why can't i just trust him?? Why can't i just live in this moment and worry about the future in the future. I hate that i have no self confidance, and it all comes back to the same thing. all these feelings come back to one person. Kurt. Maybe he did ruin me for anyone else.
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[27 Dec 2005|06:37pm] |
I know some people who wouldn't mind seeing me in this...............to bad none of u will
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[27 Dec 2005|06:30pm] |
some are so true. Like wanting to know the truth, even if it will tear me apart inside, or still being able to feel people when they have been gone for so long. I wish my mom would stop bringing kurt up so i could just be happy with where i am in my life and who i'm with. But i think i've come to realize he will haunt me forever. Sad but true, i'll never be free from him
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[29 Nov 2005|03:26am] |
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well at least i know how u feel about it
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[14 Nov 2005|08:59pm] |
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excited |
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I'm MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look on my facebook page for more details.
posting a real one soon
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| this is ment for one person, and you know who u are |
[02 Nov 2005|11:01pm] |
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mood |
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 nausous (a migrane) & crying |
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I'm jelouse of what you have with her. I know I shouldn't be, and really i am happy that u are so happy at school, but i feel like she's ur BBC and not me. I almost lost you once, I can't do that again, and if it was for real this time I don't think I could live threw that. No one knows me like you do, and I don't want anyone to know me like you do. You will be my best friend forever, I don't want that to change.
I have my car this weekend, and there is no home game and i have nothing due monday, i was going to talk to u about planning a trip to indi, then this happened, but i would still come.....if you wanted
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[31 Oct 2005|06:35pm] |
THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other LiveJournal friends to see what they're listening to.
1)All My life
2)Hands Down
3)Only Hope
4)Echo
5)BYOB
NOW, tag, you're it:
idk who ever hasn't done it
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[31 Oct 2005|06:32pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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What do u do when your best friend isn't your best friend anymore? What happens when she says she doesn't know you? What happens when u keep growing farther and farther apart? What happens when she moves on and finds a new best friend, even though we promised that would never happen?
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[19 Oct 2005|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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Three Names You Go By
~Cara
~Cara PP
~or just PP
Three Parts of Your Heritage
~Italian
~English
~Welsh
Three Things That Scare You
~never finding my true love, or finding him and not realizing it is him
~failing out of school (well more like getting below a 2.5)
~the people i love dieing
Three of Your Everyday Essentials
~my friends
~tv before bed
~playing with Moe cause he makes me forget other worries
Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
~dark kaki coords
~Red tee-shirt with wight letters saying: Everyone loves an Italian girl
~navy zip up sweater
Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
~Dashboard
~Lifehouse
~Hoobastank
Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
~KC and JoJo all my life
~Dashboard- hands down
~My Chemical Romance - helana
Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
~Honesty
~for it to last forever
~fun
Two Truths and a Lie
~i give my heart away to easy
~i love swimming
~i hate my life
Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You
~eyes
~abs
~arms
Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
~sleeping
~reading romance novles
~hanging out on my boat
Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now
~see amir
~decided what to do with my life
~get drunkc so all my worries go away for a while (but i'm not going to)
Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
~Hawaii
~Sically
~Up North (in the summer)
Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die
~Live on a house on a lake (one of my own not my parents)
~Get married to the person i was ment to spend my life with
~have healthy children
Three people I would like to see take this quiz
~Renee
~Chris
~idk whoever else hasn't done it
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| Smile :) |
[12 Oct 2005|06:08pm] |
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Happy Happy!
Life is good again, and all it took was me sucking it up and saying i was sorry. And he said it to so it's all good. Sigh.
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[12 Oct 2005|12:50am] |
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blah |
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some one please explain to me why kurt called me tonight? True my phone only rang for a second, and just as i looked at it and saw it was him calling he hung up. But why the hell did he call me anyway??? Just to let me know he is still there, he can still get to me? To make me worry? Cause if it is any of those things, they are all true. I don't feel good. Something is going to happen i can tell, man. And things were going so well. I knew it was to good to be true. Now i'm not going to be able to eat and not going to sleep well and i'm going to worry when i go to class......this blows. Today was not a good day at all. the two good things are that i got to swim, and that i apoligized to a certain person and now hopefuly things will go back to how they were and no more fighting. I hate fighting and i hate it when i know he is unhappy with me, and i hate having to try to stay mad at him cause inside it tears me up.......sigh. Lets just hope tomorrow is a better day. Night
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[11 Oct 2005|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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Why do I let them hurt me? Why do I always find the boys that make me sad, that can make me feel so happy and special one minute, and worthless and nothing the next. I need a change of pace.....maybe I'll become a nun. I just don't get it, everything was fine and now it's horrible. My life blows, i want to sleep till i'm 80 and don't give a fuck about guys. Just because you have a penis is no reason for you to act like one
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[10 Oct 2005|07:07pm] |
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disappointed |
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I think some people arn't ment for love, and as much as I wish it wasn't so, i think I'm one of them. Or at least I'm not ment for a guy to really love me the way i love him. Please just make it go away. Make me not like him then i wount feel like this.
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carazolo's journal
